Now everyone is joining Tumblr. NO, this was our special site first! Reblog if you were here before they changed to the new dash.
Only good news i got today
was that i am going to be swimming with 2 Olympians on September 24th in Long Island for FREE. I know my mom is looking down on me right now and is proud since she knows i love swimming.
I miss and love her more than anything, i am already designing a memorial tattoo for her, i know she never liked me getting tattoos but this one is something she will be super proud of. I LOVE YOU MOM
So much i wish i could say
but i am actually at a loss for words right now. i lost my mom today at 740am after a long battle with bone cancer after being in remission from breast cancer. one of the strongest women i know and i love her more than anything. lots of family and friends will be here in the next few days to celebrate her wonderful life. she was like a 2nd mom to some of my friends including my best friend. she thought of her as a 3rd daughter and when i had to text my best friend this morning with the horrible news, it broke her heart literally. my dog has been sitting with me on the couch a majority of the day and he knows shes not here anymore.
I am sitting on my deck as i write this and its raining but i have the umbrella from the patio set up so i am not getting rained on. today has been the hardest day i have ever had to deal with. i know the angels are sending down their tears or as my dad would say they are pissing on us. i miss my mom more and more each second as time goes by. going through remainders of her things and pictures are what makes it heard. I keep thinking this is a bad dream and that i will wake up from it but i know its not. i could write a book on how my mother touched my life and inspired me so much. i just want to nap but am scared to sleep because i dont want to wake up and realize this is reality and that shes actually gone. life just isnt fair. i am ending this post right now simply because i am at a loss for words, i have a headache, and i just dont know what to do or think anymore.
At a loss for words
I just spent time with my mom and my sister going through jewelry with them that is my moms and all i can say is that i am at a loss for words. my mom isnt doing well at all and no one knows how long she has left. could be an hour, a day, a week, a month no one knows and it honestly breaks my heart. theres soo much i want to share with her in life and have her watch her 2 daughters get married and what not but thats not going to happen and it kills me it honestly does. i dont know what i am going to do without her, my life is going to fall apart. i know her and i havent had the best relationship since i was 14 but i know she still loves me and only wants the best for me. i just hate to see her suffer and go through soo much pain. All i am going to say is Cancer is a bitch and i hate it. i have lost 2 friends to cancer and that hurts but this is whats going to actually break me. i try to be strong everytime i go in and sit with her or whatever but it hurts, i stay up all night just thinking about what my future is going to be like without her. i cant even write this entry without balling my eyes out. i am trying to watch jersey shore and be in a good mood but this just isnt working out.
WHOEVER FOLLOWS ME ON HERE PLEASE INBOX ME SOME MESSAGES OF ENCOURAGEMENT AND PRAYERS FOR MY MOM, I WOULD GREATLY APPRECIATE IT.
long overdue update
i am a drunk emotional wreck right now. not sure what to do anymore because of a situation i am in but i also feel like i will never be good enough. i feel like i need to have an eating disorder so that i can be super skinny and then somehow get super pretty. i just wish that for once i meant something to someone other than a piece of ass or a joke. i also wish that the guy who i really needed to talk to about something important would talk to me so that things could somewhat get better. I just dont know what to do anymore. i am not happy at all. i really want to just cut and forget it all, i wish my best friend was around when i really need to have a talk with her about everything thats going on. i am giving up a lot already in my life so why not just give up completely?
To any of my followers, i am sorry i dont update enough and i wish that i had someone to write in my ask box to cheer me up and tell me the things i need to hear.
